Archive for August, 2013

Glorious Insults

Monday, August 5th, 2013

Insults used to be an art form… before the English language got boiled down to all those unfortunate 4-letter words. Here are a selection of some of the better known insults from the better known insulters…

 

The He Said – She Said exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

  • She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
  • He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

 

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

  • “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one..” – Winston Churchill, in response.

 

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

 

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

 

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

 

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

 

 “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

 

 “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

 

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

 

 “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

 

 “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

 

 “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

 

 “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

 

 “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

 

 “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

 

 “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up..” – Paul Keating

 

 “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

 “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

 

 “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

 

 “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

 “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

 

 A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

  • “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress..”

 

 “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

 

 

 And if you have managed to read this far… a couple more recent ones:

 

 ”The problem with being better than you is that you think I’m arrogant” – Alex Obenauf

 

 “While intelligence can be mistaken for arrogance, your lack of intelligence can never be mistaken” – Obie

 

 
RO