Archive for August, 2011

Paraprosdokians….Obie’s Favorites

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

Paraprosdokian: A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

Paraprosdokian was a legendary Greek hero. A handsome warrior, his exploits, feats and conquests surpass one’s imagination.

 

  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • The problem with being better than everyone is that people think you’re arrogant.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong…..A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that
 one enjoys it?
  • Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be and it never was.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  • I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘A DOCTOR.’
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt. Adding a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila helps too.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • Sometimes people ask me, “ What would you do if you had a million dollars?” My answer is always the same three words: All-Pistachio Diet.
  • Pain is fear leaving the body
  • Blowing out another’s candle will not make yours shine brighter.
  • I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
  • Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
  • Eat shit! 1,000,000,000,000 flies can’t be wrong.
  • The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • If you step in a puddle, don’t blame the puddle.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Some people are like Slinkys … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you’re after it as when you’re in it.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple
of payments.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don’t need it.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if
you wish they were.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together
and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think
of you often.
  • I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like
you’re still here.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child.
  • The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.